Death of a Ladies’ Man

Took a while for me to arrive at a title for this blog. But I have to thank Neil for sending me this Leonard Cohen song when I told him about my latest craziness. The words don’t really fit the story – or maybe they do – but the title is perfect.

As you know, I was adopted and was lucky enough to meet my birth mother in my 40s but my dad, Harry, remained a mystery. I knew scant details from what I had been told growing up, my original birth certificate (yes I have two birth certificates – I am Karen on the first one and Sarah on the second one), and from what my birth mum was able to share. Even later, at my birth mum’s funeral, her best friend from school, Anne, shared more information about Harry.

So beginning at the beginning, my adoption papers show that Harry Smollen was a 30 year old Jewish fruit machine engineer, who was lively and charming, 5ft 7 ins, with brown eyes, and curly hair, and loved fast cars and fishing. Sounds like he might have been quite a ‘flash Harry’ given that this was the early 1960s. I particularly liked the fast cars and fishing. Building on this picture, Anne told me that she had also been out with Harry and that my birth mum had never told her who my father was. Harry loved a party and Anne thought he was probably a little older than stated on my birth certificate. So the mystery grew.

Googling Harry Smollen didn’t really bring much – and I tried a few Jewish websites to see if his name popped up. Harry could have been a nickname – so he could have been Harold or Hyman, Smollen could have been Smollan. So it was quite perplexing. With very little to go on, I accepted that he would remain a mystery. It would have been great to have a photo of him – just to see if there was any family traits in me or my kids. It is weird growing up in a family where you definitely don’t look like your parents or siblings but it didn’t bother me. I was loved and cherished.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got a message from a genealogy site saying someone had matched with me and was probably a half sister. (I have talked about how usually they tell me I have a potential 5th cousin’s cousin or something). A half sister! On Harry’s side! This was amazing. I was stunned in a very excited way.

We contacted each other simultaneously. And with the help of someone who has been looking after my family tree for a while (another Sarah), more of the mystery was being revealed. Despite the sensitivities, it was truly amazing to exchange messages with my half sister and we have arranged to meet up for a coffee next week.

Sarah then sent me a photo of my dad that she had found. I almost exploded. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to see a photo of my dad. And this was it!

His photo was at the top of an article entitled “Flat murder: Three held”. It goes on to say “THREE men were arrested yesterday following the murder of Bournemouth businessman, Hyman Smollen.”

Later in the article it says he was a jeweller and had been involved in the booming slot machine business in the 1960s. (Check – yes this is what I knew from my birth certificate)

It goes on to say “Business associates said he gambled heavily, and was known as a ladies man before his marriage in 1976.” (Check – yes Anne had said he had many girlfriends in the Bournemouth area in the 1960s – everyone loved Harry.)

So this really was my dad. He died suddenly in March 1980, murdered by three men. This story is really only beginning. I have so many more questions now. But it feels like I have a proper base to start researching more about Harry. It sounds like he had many friends but perhaps some enemies too.

I wrote in an earlier blog of a time when I was very young going on the ferry to Spain with my family and begging to be given my holiday money so I could play on the fruit machines. Reluctantly, my mum gave me 12 of my hard-saved pennies and I came back with more pennies that I could hold in my hands. Clearly gambling is in my genes.

Yesterday, Husbant and I went in search of Harry’s grave. I am going to keep calling him Harry even though he is Hyman. I had been to the cemetery before as my daughter and I found a picture of a gravestone that we thought could be his. Googling his name now, the first photo that comes up is his gravestone.

We wandered about an area of the cemetery that I had missed the first time but had no luck. We then checked where I had looked before but no luck. Husbant suggested re-checking the first section and within a few minutes I had found it. The weirdest thing was that I had parked my car just beside his gravestone! It was as though he had led me there. Spooky!

I feel so positive and happy about this. I know for some people they might think it is a little odd to be smiling in a photo by a gravestone, but I think Harry might be OK with it and I finally got to meet him, even though he is six feet under.

Those of a nervous disposition may want to look away now…

Before the big reveal, I would say be careful what you wish for. I am still hoping for a better photo of Harry. Meantime, here he is:

Feel free to comment on any family likeness below. 🤣😂